♡ ❤ ♡ ❤ ♡

You’re the only one I want to notice me and love me..

But you’re the one who looks away and has no time for me.

:/ Fff.

And I’ve been having this art block. ; A ; 

I have been left. So many times. By people who were irreplaceable.

They came back and would leave and it would repeat.

There had been a point where they promised they would always be

there for me. But now we’re growing up.

And there’s less time to dream. I had to accept, I was still living in a 

fantasy. Every night, I would scream into my pillows because the pain 

was simply… brutal. I begged for it to stop.

The last thing I felt was utter destruction…

My heart has shriveled up. And I no longer feel the pain.

But I also no longer feel happy. Or loved. Or cherished.

Or trusting. Or loving. I feel empty, hollow. 

….And we wanted to grow up so fast to be together.

And all we’ve done was grow apart.

My ink is black.
No reason or rhyme,
just raw emotions
with no track of time
so it might just last forever.
And despite what you think
it is the ink that will link
the two of you together 
whether we’re here or severed.
But right now you’re gone,
so I’m a recluse, withdrawn,
and all that I’ve drawn is what 
I no longer have.

Erasers not working,
simply just smudging,
and making things worse and ugly.
I’m less than half empty,
running on fumes.
So what’s left now?
Just time to lose.

I’m not just bruised 
with black and blues.
I’m broken, defected, infected,
tainted with damnation,
with loss of sensation,
fading into the numb.

My ink is black.
No reason or rhyme,
just raw emotions
with no track of time
so it might just last forever
since we’re not together.

A sharp throbbing pain.
Voices driving me insane.
Inject me with Novocaine.
It’s inside my chest.
They won’t let me rest
but perhaps it’s for the best
so the nightmares don’t come,
but to sum up the some of those
restless nights,
the monster I fight is me.
Not under my bed, but inside my head,
is where my true demon lies.

My ink is black.
No reason or rhyme.
Just raw emotions
with no track of time
and so it will last forever.

Everyone keeps saying they’ll be there for me. And they all kept leaving. All of them. One after the other. I left in one person. One person behind my walls. He loved me and cared for me. More than words could ever say. But now he’s walking out of my life. The one person I trusted and the one person I wish I never hurt, but he’s leaving me… 

And I feel like nothing. He carved out my heart and took my soul. He took the smile he created and the happiness I had. And I can’t blame him. I was broken, and he fixed me and made me and I guess… My flaws were too much. And I broke him. He can’t love me anymore but all I want in the world is him.

His smile, his laugh, his love… But I’m scared. I’m scared he’ll never come back. I’m scared he’ll never love me again. I’m scared that I’m nothing to him. I’m scared that I’m always going to be full of flaws. I’m scared I won’t be able to feel. I’m scared my future won’t have him. I’m terrified. People run away to their homes to find security. My home wasn’t a place. My home was him. And I don’t even have that. I am all alone. Not broken, but shattered and he’s not coming to pick up the pieces is he?

I’m hopeful he’ll love me again. And I’m scared if he does. Because I don’t want to hurt him. I’ve been empty for the past four months, going on five. And I don’t want to be here anymore

It’s rare for people to live. Because most people just exist. And I am so tired of existing. All on my own. I’m so tired of trying to smile. When I feel nothing. Or having people ask me what’s wrong and IF I trust them enough to keep it a secret. They all just tell me it’s a phase. I’ll get over it. I’m too young to feel that way. There’s other people who will fix you. There’s others you’ll fall for. 

Well guess what. I’m not too young. I know me. I know my heart. I know that it was taken. And the probability of it coming back is closing in on zero. I’m defected. And I’m scared that if people get close I’ll taint them with my insecurities and negatives, and all my flaws that drove him away. I’m scared that I’ll taint him if he ever comes back.

I want to sleep. And never wake up. I’m tired. Tired and full of emptiness. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired. So fucking tired. Stop telling me I’m too young. Stop telling me I’m impulsive and that I’ll get through this.

It’s not about getting through this. That part isn’t as hard as you’d think. It’s just. Nothing is worth going through this. When there’s nothing at the end but the darkness that is lonelier and darker than what I was in when I was found. So stop telling me to keep trying. Just fucking stop.

I HAVE been trying. More than you know. And I AM so tired of being strong. I am so tired of putting on an act just so people will leave me alone. You can pity me and try to empathize me all the fuck you want, but you will NEVER know EXACTLY what I am going through. All emotions aren’t the fucking same. So stop. Just stop.

I want this all to be over. Please… Just let it all be over.

When I simply just cannot forgive myself?

Basically couldn’t sleep last night. I’m so numb to the point I don’t feel happy, sad, hungry, or tired. I didn’t even realize my dog was sleeping in my bed with me for quite a few hours. I managed to somehow sleep about four hours. :/ I don’t know whether feeling this numb is good or bad. I just wish this was all a bad dream.. I wish I had been better… I feel so lost. I feel so alone… I’m just. Empty.

I was just dumped..